Many third culture and cross cultural children feel they don’t belong anywhere. This creates a feeling of loss, but it’s not always understood or accepted. My L blog musings is about the silent Loss.
I have hesitated a little writing this blog post, because it is a difficult topic, and maybe not so easy to understand. I’m not sure I understand it myself.
I have written a little bit about loss in many of my other A-Z posts. See for instance my post about Books, Distance or Grandma. Because even though most third culture or cross cultural child will experience fun and exciting things and it might seem like it is just a benefit for them to have been living abroad or having family in several countries, it’s not always just this. Most will also get used to not so fun things, like frequent farewells and breaking ups, living far from their parents in dorm schools, and feeling second to their parents’ work, like many missionary children experience. I’ll write a post about this later.
In this post I will try to write about the silent loss.
Many people who are born and/or have lived abroad in their development years, might feel that they lack roots, that they always are outsiders. The same can also be said of children with parents from two or more countries, who often feel they don’t belong fully in neither of the countries. They don’t feel they are part of the close family ties. There have been things happening in their absence: birthday parties, establishing of Christmas celebration traditions, or habits and culture within a family that outsiders don’t understand, inside jokes. The list is long.
Of course, the third culture or cross culturel child will have experienced exciting things abroad, and met many people, but many will still feel that they don’t really belong when they return to their home country. Actually, they will not feel at home anywhere. Except for at airports. See my post about this.
This creates a feeling of loss. It’s not always something the child is aware of. The child mourns for something, but doesn’t always know what. It’s something invisible. The worst part is perhaps that the child often feels it is something he/she can’t talk about or express it loud. One thing is they might not know or understand what is wrong, why they feel so lost, why they feel different. They might also be told it’s ungrateful to complain when they have so much good in their life. So it becomes a hidden grieving, something they feel is not permitted. They put up a false face.
Growing up feeling lost and not belonging, but not being aware of why or being allowed to feel like this, creates a feeling of emptiness, I think, in the adult. One becomes quite good at acting like nothing is wrong. Adding the unique ability that many tck and ccks have in absorbing the cultures they enter, it would be difficult for others to discover anything. It’s quite serious. Many even consider suicide because they feel they don’t fit in.
Happily much more information about the aspects, both negative and positive, are available today, see my post Internet, so growing up as a tck or cck today, and having grown-ups around you who are aware of the issues, is quite different than when I was child, I think. I hope.
If you are interested in information about my personal A-Z blog, see here.
D. D. Syrdal said:
Even though I have lived all my life (except for short stints overseas in the Navy) I can readily understand this feeling. Maybe because the US is so big, people talk about being “native” to this state or that, and anyone not “native” can be made to feel like an outsider. But, I guess “home” is where you hang your hat.
Margrét Helgadóttir said:
Yes, the US is like many countries. But even between north and south in Norway there is huge differences, so you can easily feel like an outsider. Thanks for reading and commenting, DD. Much appreciated 🙂
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jingsandthings said:
An interesting post. I suspect a similar feeling can be felt amongst people in countries such as Scotland where many people were forced to move away in search of work. So most families have relatives spread around the world. Nowadays with the internet it is so much easier to keep in touch, almost reuniting these families again and giving them close contacts with those they had lost touch with. Grandparents rediscover grandchildren they have never seen, except in photographs, through the use of Skype. I even know a couple here who babysit for a family abroad through Skype.
Margrét Helgadóttir said:
I think of the world before and after the Internet. It made such a huge difference for many people, especially those with friends and family far away.
Thanks for reading and sharing 🙂
jingsandthings said:
Though I’d mention a story competition which I wasn’t going to enter, but which this post set me thinking about. The competition subject was home and I just had to mention a fellow blogger who equated home with airports. That set me thinking. I was rather pleased with my effort but when I checked the word count I discovered it was 1000 and not the three thousand I had thought. So radical pruning, though I’ll keep the original in case I find somewhere to use it some time.
So confirmation that blogging is good for you and fertilises ideas. I don’t always have time to post a comment on your pieces but I am enjoying reading them and the ideas they stimulate.
Margrét Helgadóttir said:
Thank you so much for this. Very happy that you enjoy reading and get ideas. That means a lot. Thank you! 🙂
And do use the text sometime!
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